


Ironborn

by dakhtar, operationhades



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: BECAUSE HE IS OK SHHH, Bots given human bodies, Gen, I'm living, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Parent James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Parent Tony Stark, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Sort Of, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony wants his babies to be okay after he inevitably dies, i can't believe butterfingers & dummy & jarvis & you is an actual tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-09-25 15:25:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17123903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dakhtar/pseuds/dakhtar, https://archiveofourown.org/users/operationhades/pseuds/operationhades
Summary: Tony Stark built Dummy first. Then Butterfingers and You. Then JARVIS.("They're siblings," Rhodey answered patiently, far too used to the nicknames to even be bothered by the weird stares it always got them. "Brothers; four brothers who'll live until the very end. You should teach them to depend on each other rather than on you."Since you'll die, went unsaid.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> dakhtar's a bit grumpy right now and so we decided to treat ourselves with bot feels. also rhodey feels. also good team feels. nothing bad has ever happened to this group of troubled individuals. nothing. _nothing._

Tony Stark built Dummy first.

He started working on the prototype after mid-terms. Wasted the days down in the workshop while Rhodey walked in and out and bitched about this and that and made sixteen year old Tony feel stupid when he accidentally put the blue wire on the red wire and vice versa.

His parents died on the day he finally finished.

"DUM-E." Rhodey had announced weeks after the funeral, patting the mess of gleaming metal fondly. "For the patent. Because it sounds the closest to Dummy. I still can't believe you called him dummy right when he woke up, you dick."

Tony laughed hoarsely, ignoring the way Dummy whirred at his name, cameras shuttering like an eye blinking, watching them both. "Who cares, right? We finally did it!"

They did, but nobody would know besides Edwin Jarvis, Obadiah Stane, and later on Happy. Then Pepper would find out, followed years later by the Avengers.

Next came You and Butterfingers - twins, if ever there were AI twins - smart and obedient and more like the general vein of AI's than their predecessor. Dummy had more personality - if you called an obsession with all fire extinguishers and smoothies ‘ _personality’_ \- but the other two were calmer, eager to please and adorable.

Rhodey slapped a hand over Tony's mouth after _You_ came out, and chose Butterfingers' name, because he'd been a prick back then and even worse than Tony. Those five years were known amongst them both as the 'dark ages', because wow, a Rhodey in his mid twenties had been a huge asshole.

JARVIS was, and to this day still _is_ , his greatest pride. Tony's always been a bit iffy on calling his babies _creations_ , because they're not, because they're more than just _things_ that had been _created_. No, they'd been _made_. With his sweat and flesh and bones and tears and even blood. He'd spent _years_ on Dummy, learning everything from scrap, then another year on You and Butterfingers, refining the code and fixing everything to perfection, but JARVIS...

JARVIS had been a whole different level. JARVIS had been five years of expanding on the basic code he'd implemented for Dummy, You and Butterfingers. JARVIS had been – no, _was_ – Tony's standing respect to a man that had taken care of him more than his own flesh and blood parents ever had.

"Done." Tony breathed, snapping the final plug into place.

Beside him, on a computer screen, Rhodey's face turned excited as he fidgeted with his brand spanking new military uniform in his brand spanking new military base. "'Bout time, I don't have all day you know."

"Aaw, have a little patience, buttercup," Tony crooned, grinning impishly at the screen as he scrambled up to his feet. "Alright, let's do this thing." 

A switch. A pass code. Silence.

"JARVIS... You up?"

_Bzzzt._

"Affirmative."

Rhodey burst out whooping in delight as Tony laughed, loud and strong, and JARVIS ran through his diagnostics for the first time ever.

Everything was perfect, in order, and Tony was done.

#

Tony Stark built Mark I first.

It was big and silver and clunky and lame. It was heavy and ungraceful and packed to the brim with flame-throwers.  It was Afghanistan, conquered. It was Afghanistan, escaped.

Yinsen died on the day he finally finished.

"Next time, you ride with me." Rhodey threatened, hugging him fierce and tight and so painfully grateful. "I don't give a shit if it's a funvee or a shitvee, you hear me?"

Tony's throat was dry, parched, not even a drop of saliva present to swallow down and ease the ache, but he still forced out an affirmative, because the funvee had turned out to suck to high heavens.

Next came Mark II, then III, then IV and V and Tony stopped using Roman numerals soon after, because wow did he not have time for that shit. They grew sleeker, prettier, faster and deadlier. They were pieces of art, of everything that made Tony the man he was; the Merchant of Death; a Genius, a Billionaire, a Playboy, a Philanthropist. It had all his money (because holy shit did those titanium alloys cost money), it had all his intelligence, it had all his perseverance,  his stubbornness, and his sheer stupidity, because any normal person would've given up after their muscles started screaming from carrying the heavy weight that made the suit what it was today, if nothing else, but not him.

Rhodey took War Machine - all part of Tony's master plan,  _thank you very much_  - JARVIS hid the schematics and blueprints for  _Rescue_ , the dangerously fast suit Tony had built with Pepper in mind, even if he'd never told her about it. He could just as well give it to Natasha if she ever really needed it, but until that emergency came around, Tony would keep it warm and ready for Pepper, even if she never wanted it.

He thought long and hard about making one for Happy, but Happy slapped him upside the head and reminded him about just how much he hated flying. Tony laughed and gave the guy one of his cars instead, because he knew for a fact Happy loved fast cars. Especially Tony Stark modified cars.

Then Killian happened. Extremis. Pepper. Protocol Clean Slate. JARVIS. Dummy. His Malibu home.

Thank  _God_  (or Thor) You and Butterfingers had been at the tower right then.

( _Stane_ , technically, came before all that. But _Stane_ didn’t deserve a mention.)

But it got him thinking- actually, scratch that,  _Rhodey_ got him thinking, because Rhodey crashed out on his sofa and complimented JARVIS on his expert driving of the suits. JARVIS gave a dry reply, unable to accept a compliment just like Tony; like father and son, and holy shit did that get Tony  _thinking_.

Because he was Tony Stark. He was great, sure. He was a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. He was the Merchant of Death (even if he didn’t want to be). He was Iron Man. He was an Avenger. He was  _human_.

And humans  _died_.

But AI's did not.

He would die.  _Rhodey_ would die. Pepper would die.  _Happy_ would die. And then who was left? The Avengers? Steve, Natasha and Bruce might survive a bit longer, but Tony was pretty sure they weren't immortal. Clint was human just like Tony, no matter how many times he jumped off high buildings pretending he could fly.

Thor was a God.

Thor would live.

-Until he was slain in battle, anyway.

So no, the Avengers would die soon too. Everybody would die.  _Fury_ would die.

And that would leave his babies all alone.

He took Rhodey out for dinner a week later, somewhere he knew JARVIS had no eyes on. Sat his best friend, his brother, his partner in everything but romance (and maybe even in that, Tony wasn't sure what the hell 'romance' actually meant), sat him down in front of him and told him everything.

Asked him what he should do.

Rhodey stared at him, then down at his drink, then up at Tony again.

"Shit." He finally said, finishing the rest of his beer in one gulp. "This is one of  _those_ conversations."

" _Rhodey_ ," Tony whined, dropping his head on the table. "I don't know what to do. What do I  _do_?"

Rhodey thought it through, like he always did, like Tony could always count on him to do, and suggested, "Didn't you say there was a way of turning immortal like Thor?"

"Yeah," Tony affirmed, raising his head to rest his chin on the table, eyeing Rhodey suspiciously. "A golden apple of immortal goodness. From some chick named I-don’t or something. Why?"

"Then why don't you get it? Eat it? Stay immortal along with them. I remember you wishing you could reach the year three thousand back in MIT. You know, by singing that song by the Brits, what were they called...? Bursted? Busted? Blistered?"

"Oh my god," Tony groaned, hiding his face in his hands, embarrassed. "We did not come here to reminisce, so shut up about that. And there're flaws with the apples anyway. A) How would I get the apples? B) What ramifications would come of eating them? C) How would the human population react to me becoming immortal and practically a god? People already hate my guts, they'd claim the power of immortality would be like giving Loki the keys to Mjolnir. Also, would becoming immortal mean I'd have to move to Asgard? Cuz no offence, but Asgard sounds like it never changes. Ever."

Rhodey nodded, scratching at his chin. "I see your points, and I raise them by three. One; You've done enough to earn Asgard's gratitude, including saving them from Loki, Amora, and Thanos. They can't afford to refuse you anything you ask. Not unless they're bigger pricks than I thought they already were. Two; Who gives a shit what the rest of the world thinks, you're in this for Dummy and the others. And three; Any biological ramifications of eating the apple can be dealt with. Don't act like you don't already have a rough idea of a worst case scenario and how to counteract it."

Tony mulled the words over, then quietly admitted the truth, "What if I don't want to be immortal?"

Grinning, Rhodey stole a fry from Tony's pile of food, and popped it into his mouth. "The truth, it arrives." He drawled knowingly. "You don't have to if you don't want to. It's as simple as that. I knew you wouldn't want to be immortal - Pepper owes me five hundred."

"You guys  _bet_ on me?"

"Yup. She thought you'd jump at the idea of living forever."

"I've had enough trouble living for forty years," Tony grouched. "Like hell I could handle an eternity."

Rhodey laughed. It only lasted for a moment, but Tony revelled in the sound of it. "Then have you ever thought of giving them their own means of survival? Teaching them how to be on their own?"

"What bullshit do you speak off, platypus?"

"They're siblings," Rhodey answered patiently, far too used to the nicknames to even be bothered by the weird stares it always got them. "Brothers; four brothers who'll live until the very end. You should teach them to depend on each other rather than on you."

Tony stared at him, absorbing the words, letting them soak into him and settle somewhere around his arc reactor. Then he stuffed a whole fist full of fries in his mouth, threw a wad of cash onto the table, and ran out like hellhounds were nipping at his heels.

Rhodey cursed, sorted the money out so Tony wasn't paying nine hundred dollars more than usual, and ran after him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're pretty sure this fic was written before even CA:WS, that's how long it's been sitting around collecting dust. And 20k later and it still has no plot, not really, besides Tony trying to make his babies capable of living without him. We're not even realy sorry, tbh. But look, Loki! \o/

Tony Stark built Dummy's first.

Dummy's coding was the simplest, the very base factors of an artificial intelligence. Except, _that_ had been at the very _start_ of his existence, and Dummy  _was_ a learning bot, so by that point his coding had become a tangled mess of sheer frustration. But still, Dummy's coding was the simplest.

(Tony didn't even  _want_ to try with JARVIS first. Just thinking about the universe of algorithms and formatting hidden away in there was enough to give him a headache.)

For years Tony had been hating on Doom's robots, saying everything and anything under the sun save for that he could do it better. He  _could_ , everybody knew he could, but the last thing he wanted was for people to worry more about him turning dark side more than they usually did, so he never mentioned it. But now? Now he had to do something better. He had to  _prove it_ , and Dummy was going to be his proof. So Tony started building.

For the first time in his very existence, nobody died when he finally finished.

"This looks exactly like my cyborg sketch from MIT." Rhodey commented, peering straight into the dark hollows that would form Dummy's eyes. "Why am I not surprised you stole my cyborg sketch from MIT."

Tony held the paper up, guilty as charge, and grinned unashamedly. "Are you asking me a question? Because if so, you're missing the intonation that turns that statement into a question, honey bun. Just FYI."

Sighing, Rhodey snatched the paper out of his hand and turned it over, grimacing at the  _B-_ written in red on top. "Man, I sucked at this class." Then he balled the paper up and threw it, both of them watching as it curved gracefully across the air and landed in the rubbish like a perfect pirouette. "This means no more bitching that you do everything for the babies yourself, Stark."

Which lent credit to the idea that they were partners, married at the seams with four kids, even if Tony had never entertained the idea of  _romance_ with Rhodey. He shuddered just thinking about it. Really. He did. "I  _do_  do everything myself." Tony bitched, right on cue, wiping a dirty rag through his fingers to get rid of excess grease. "You're always off with your military pals, doing god knows what with foreign women, leaving me behind to raise the kids. You should have been there when JARVIS asked where babies came from!"

Smoothly sliding in before Rhodey could shoot back a retort, JARVIS interrupted with, "Please do not use me in your endless flirting with sir, sir."

The face Rhodey pulled at the title made Tony laugh. "Do you really have to call me that, J? I thought we went over this already."

"Indeed," JARVIS replied, speaking over Tony's continued laughter. "It is either colonel or  _sir_. _You_ chose the latter."

Rhodey grumbled under his breath, cracked his knuckles, then said, "Argh, fine, whatever. Let's hurry up with this anyway; Dummy's inching towards the fire extinguisher."

"What? Dummy, no! Stay away from the fire extinguisher-- I swear on your motherboard I will fry you and donate you to a hot dog stand,  _Dummy_ \--"

A few minutes later, it turned out that the robot was a complete failure. Except for how it wasn't.

It took Tony another six months to make it work and label it a success. And then two more to make some for You and Butterfingers.

Rhodey stared at the three AI's in front of him, at the sleek silver finish to them, the way their bodies moved with the grace of the Iron Man suits, the way that they  _fidgeted_ in front of him.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, one of the three came forward, then another, then the third, and they latched onto Rhodey's cuffs.

"Hello, sir." One of them said, then the other, then the third.

Rhodey groaned, long and hard, but nevertheless patted them on the head with a fond smile.

Next came JARVIS, who bore with it all with the timeless patience frighteningly similar to his namesake. The three bots were still linked in to the mainframe, meaning they had something of a four-way telepathic link going on amongst themselves like usual, so JARVIS still had the means to corral them like small children, despite the fact that the three bots looked like young adults now, maybe even somewhere in their early twenties once you got past the reflective surface of their metal bodies.

Dummy was the worst - as Tony, Rhodey and JARVIS  _knew_ he would be - constantly touching things, inciting rebellion in his younger siblings, annoying Tony and hugging Rhodey at every chance he got. You was calmer, more confident, fascinated with the digits of his mechanical fingers and content to waste his hours choosing just how he'd look once Tony figured out how to apply skin and stuff from the piles of samples and images Tony had supplied him (and the other two) with. Butterfingers was... Butterfingers was  _adorable_. Easy to excite and easy to please, running after Dummy to help him with his latest crazed idea or quietly sitting down next to You to compare different skin tones.

Tony kept them in the workshop, away from the big bad world outside, and restricted access to himself and Rhodey only. Even Pepper didn't have a clue what was going on. Happy frankly didn't _want_ to know.

"Sir," JARVIS repeated himself, not for the first or third time. "I do not particularly  _want_ a body, nor have need of one."

"Just give it up, J," snorted Rhodey, passing a blowtorch to Tony when the genius made grabby hands. "You're getting one, and that's that. So start thinking of how you wanna look and stuff."

"I think You might go for an oriental look," Tony commented, a wrench between his teeth. "He keeps googling Yoko Ono."

JARVIS let loose a long suffering sigh - a recent addition to his capabilities, scaring the living shit out of Clint when he'd first heard it, hah - and simply accepted it all by actually helping out with the coding.

It took another half a year to do it, but they finally did.

The whole making the cyborgs/androids/robots look  _human_ bit turned out to be far trickier, but Tony persevered, spending sleepless nights and drinking far too much coffee and even going cold turkey in terms of alcohol somewhere in between. He ruthlessly dealt with any interruptions in the form of super villains, pulverising them into the ground, finding their secret identities and destroying them financially as well as physically. His team grew a bit worried, eyeing him sideways when he took off the suit and dashed to his workshop, talking to Pepper behind his back, even holding secret debriefs with Fury.

It all came to a head when Loki turned Manhattan into a winter wonderland. In the middle of summer.

Tony was maybe running on three hours of sleep in the past  _month_ , far past the clinical definition of  _insane_ , and had hit one too many snares to be well and truly frustrated in his bid to make his bots look _human_. Loki wasn't really hurting anyone, just gracing New York with his bored presence, making the city dance to his whims to amuse himself. He didn't even look pleased with himself from where he sat on top of the Chrysler building.

Tony went straight for the throat: he shot the fully powered unibeam right at him in greeting.

"Friend Tony!" Thor boomed, Mjolnir spinning in his right hand. "What are you doing?"

"Yes," Loki hissed, rising up from where he'd ducked under the fully powered energy beam. "What _are_  you doing?"

"I don't have time for your bullshit, Loki." Tony growled, raising both arms and readying his repulsors with a high whine. "Either get the fuck lost or I'll  _make_ you."

Loki sneered at him, eyes narrowing down into a dangerous glare, but the green shine to them glittered with life, because here had come something interesting to elevate him from his boredom.

"This is unlike you, Stark," he murmured, transmitting his voice to reach Tony and Tony alone. "Whatever has gotten you so... troubled?"

Tony didn't answer. Instead, he charged head on and launched himself into the fray.

They ducked and weaved, repulser beams battling green magic, Thor watching from the sidelines confused, shrugging when the quinjet finally arrived with the rest of the team. Tony played fast and loose, long arcs and dangerous twists, pulling every dirty trick in the book he knew and being met head on with Loki's own.

The god of chaos  _laughed_ , pleasure and joy ringing in his voice, bending backwards at the hip to avoid a missile, dancing out of the way to avoid another, all the while talking, murmuring, asking questions and wondering.

"What could have you so torn asunder, Stark? What could have you frustrated beyond belief? I grow tired of this battle, mortal, but you have captured my curiosity, and for that I thank you."

"You  _what_  me?"

But Loki had already disappeared.

#

Tony Stark built-

Tony Stark built-

_Tony Stark built-_

-nothing.

Tony Stark built nothing first, because there was nothing  _to_ build. JARVIS had his body, admitted that he really did kinda like it in retrospect, and carried on his duties with his usual dry humour and wit.

Steve tried to 'talk' to Tony, tried to 'reach out' to him, and when that didn't work, the whole team ambushed him in the common living room where they had movie nights and told him that they were 'worried' about him and his 'mental state'.

Tony waved them off, acted cheerful and insane and his usual self, claimed that he was just  _really_ busy and that nothing was wrong. They believed him, but only because they had no other choice and Tony was a bullshit liar, and he got five people (at different times throughout the day) telling him that if he needed something all he needed to do was come to them and ask.

It was sweet. Disgustingly so. But still sweet.

Rhodey laughed himself sick when he heard about it.

For three weeks after the Loki incident, Tony moped about his tower, cranking his face to Absolutely Joyful whenever anybody else was around, but without a doubt stinking the place up with his depression.

He wanted his babies to look human so that nobody could hate on them, but he had no way of making it  _foolproof_.

Rhodey tried his hand at the problem - always good at fixing anything Tony had messed up - but even he couldn't come up with a 100% method of applying skin tones and hair follicles that would never peel off.

"Well... I hate to say it, Tones," Rhodey sighed, raising his head from where a square piece of pale material hung limply from You's shoulder. "But if science doesn't work, than maybe magic will."

Tony immediately refused. Like Rhodey knew he would. But it was okay, because Rhodey went flying around New York that night in War Machine (no longer Iron Patriot, thank you very much), microphone on loud and pointed to the city below, shouting Loki's name.

And people said  _Tony_ was insane.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Stark?" Fury growled at him over a phone call. "What the  _hell_  does  _Rhodes_ think he's doing!?"

"I don't know, okay? Jesus, everybody keeps thinking  _I_ set him up to this, but I  _didn't_. Rhodey's doing this himself, okay? I have no part in this madness. I'm officially standing down from this, so write that down in whatever report you're going to stick in my folder about my  _psyche eval_."

Fury swore at him colourfully before hanging up, and Tony dropped his head onto the cool work desk in front of him with a groan.

A second later, JARVIS in the ceiling said, "Sir-"

And JARVIS in the android said, "-I detect a magical signature corresponding to Loki Silvertongue behind you."

Tony groaned again and asked, "Where's Rhodey?"

"Also behind you."

Rhodey coughed, as if to prove that yes, Tony, he really was behind you, in the flesh and everything.

"So  _this_ is what has had you in such a snit, Stark." Loki greeted him with, voice dark and smooth, like smoke curling around you and killing you slowly from the inside. "Fascinating."

Tony raised his head and spun slowly in his chair, using his feet to come to a halt perfectly with both of them in his vision.

Still in his War Machine, Rhodey gave a sheepish grin and shrugged. "Found him."

"No shit," Tony drawled dryly, rolling his eyes. "If this goes pear shaped, I'm haunting both your asses for eternity. Fair warning."

Loki strode forward, the dark material of his leather and armour casting long shadows across the brightly lit workshop. Tony saw predators in those shadows, large cats and feral wolves, dragons and ogres with fangs and claws and blood dripping off them. Loki came to a stop in front of Dummy - the closest -, prowled around him, studying him from all angles, hums and thoughtful noises the soundtrack to his thoughts.

Tony watched, forcing himself to stay calm as the god of chaos (of  _destruction_ ) walked inches away from his baby.

Thank god he'd updated all four of his babies with self-defence capabilities. At the very least Dummy would be able to blow Loki sky high before getting any damage.

"Fascinating," the god purred again, raising a hand and slowly poking at the spot of metal that masqueraded as Dummy's 'jaw'. "This is truly amazing, Stark. To think one such as you would come so close to such...  _miracles_. My, you mortals are interesting."

"He's the best in magic, Tony," Rhodey sighed, repeating his argument when it looked like Tony was going to strangle Loki with his bare hands. "And frankly, we need it. Because science just isn't cutting it anymore."

Loki came to a stop in front of JARVIS, but wisely kept his hands to himself. Unlike Dummy, who revelled in anybody touching him, JARVIS was a hell of a lot more picky. In fact, the eye sockets where the visual sensors were happened to be glowing a threatening blue, deep and rich like the arc reactor, making the god take a casual - but blatantly obvious - step back.

"Your colonel has told me of what ails you, Stark," Loki finally confirmed, stalking back to Dummy who fearlessly cocked his head curiously to the side. "And I have agreed to help."

"And why would you do that, exactly?" Tony replied dryly, fingers itching for a drink he hadn’t drunk in a year.

"Because you amuse me," came the bland reply, quick and terrifyingly blunt. "Because you have always amused me, and this is new and utterly unheard off." Loki grinned then, the cut of his pale lips severe and violent, his eyes crazed like when he'd thrown Tony out of his own window. "And I'm  _bored_."

Tony spun around on his chair, half to get away from that look of pure insanity and half to  _think about it_ , because he knew Loki, understood him in a basic instinctual manner nobody else on the team could relate to except maybe Bruce, and was as equally a liesmith and a silvertongue at heart as Loki was. He was Loki, except with science instead of magic, except with a real father and no sibling instead of a fake one and an older brother. He was Loki, and if he’d happened to live for an eternity, he would have dished out money too just to see something new. Yet another reason why Tony Stark should _not_ become an immortal.

Plus, Loki  _had_ resorted to playing little highschool pranks lately just to keep himself amused. That spoke of a creativity block _as well_ as boredom. And those blocks sucked _balls_.

"Fine." He finally conceded, looking over at the four metallic robots that stared at him in surprise. "Oh don't look at me like that, go on, show the crazy god how you wanna look like. And Butterfingers, you  _cannot_ have blue hair, okay, I refuse."

Butterfingers made a sad chirp, but dutifully clanked over to Loki with a tablet held gently in between his robotic fingers.

Tony made a note to switch out his feet. All that clanking would give him a goddamn headache otherwise.

#

Loki Odinson- wait no, that turned out to be a lie, so Loki Laufeyson- oh god no, he’d  _killed_ that guy before even finding out he was his actual daddy, so maybe Liesmith-? Wrong wrong  _wrong_ , because Loki said he would help and he  _hadn't lied_. Yet. So then... Loki  _Silvertongue_ -

-that sounded about right-

-Loki Silvertongue built Dummy's first.

Rhodey claimed it was Dummy's _charms_ that had caught the supervillain’s attention, Loki threatened to turn Rhodey white, Tony made noises of racism, and then went into a thoughtful rant about racism and discrimination between the nine realms, because Thor and the Aesir  _definitely_ had some issues going on there.

Dummy chirped all the while, refusing to stay still, gaining Loki's ire and Tony's pride, until JARVIS finally threatened to force the oldest AI to _use his words_ rather than coding. Because yeah, Tony had updated the three robotic AIs to be capable of speech sure, but Dummy, You and Butterfingers had so far refused to do so after that first momentous moment of greeting Rhodey.

You said he was waiting for something  _meaningful_ before he opened his mouth, Dummy was being petulant and refusing to talk for whatever childish reasons he could possibly come up with, and Butterfingers was...

Actually Tony wasn't sure  _why_ Butterfingers refused to talk. Most likely he just wanted to feel a part of something - even if that something was Dummy and You being idiots. That was _always_ the reason why Butterfingers did anything.

In the meantime, Tony poked and prodded at Loki, demanded to be able to touch the goat helmet and even _wear_ it, horrified Loki by reminiscing with Rhodey about their college years (which were pretty horrifying, so no judging there), and got kicked out of his own workshop.

Rhodey stayed, because he was quote "far more tolerable than  _you_ , Stark" end quote. Plus, Rhodey kept an eye on Loki to make sure he wouldn't murder them all in their sleeps.

Plus,  _JARVIS_ was there, and JARVIS could end the world if he so deemed fit.  _And_ the nine realms.

"Go prove to the world you're still alive," Rhodey suggested. "Throw a wild party, make everyone think you're totally fine."

"I  _am_ totally fine." Tony frowned, pausing in doing up his tie. "Why would I  _not be fine?"_

"Tony," Rhodey sighed knowingly. "If you were fine, you wouldn't have let the god of destruction and  _magic_  touch our babies."

" _Our_ _babies_. Exactly." Tony confirmed in vicious satisfaction, glowering at Rhodey and his stupid truth-telling face. "Keep that bag of cats away from Butterfingers. And You too. He's a bad influence, I just know it."

"And Dummy?"

"Dummy's already a lost cause."

"Sweet, Tony. That's real sweet of you. I can just feel the love here."

Tony grinned, finishing his tie in expert twists and tugs. "Who do you fear most, tell the truth, Dummy with a fire extinguisher, or Loki?"

Silence.

"If you do not answer in the latter, Colonel," Loki drawled from inside the workshop, unimpressed, "I shall refuse to allow Butterfingers to look in your likeness."

Silence. Except Rhodey looked stunned now rather than unwilling to comply.

Tony laughed, already aware of Butterfingers' eternal boy crush on Rhodey, because he could read his own code and frequently delved into the AI's makeup, unlike Rhodey who constantly wondered why Butterfingers hid whenever he came to visit. JARVIS sighed from up above, always more comfortable there than in his own body, though Tony had made sure that he could inhabit both at the same time, and opened the elevator doors for Tony in a blatant signal that he should be leaving.

"Tell Pep and Hap hi for me!" Rhodey shouted after him, just as the elevator doors closed shut.

"Keep an eye on them for me, J?" Tony asked quietly, breathing in deeply and setting his game face on as the floor numbers rose and led him to the common floor.

The number atop the keypad changed with every floor they went past, and the elevator had just come to a stop - doors sliding open - when JARVIS answered.

"For you sir, always."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we would like to both announce our undying love for thor being a good guy and loving the shit out of his shield-brother's children, and also point to dakhtar's [thor + kid!tony](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10890663) fic if you want to have a good time with introspective thor and character growth and cute baby tony.

You, to the eternal surprise of  _everybody_ , turned out to identify himself as a  _she_.

Tony stared, baffled, at the oriental looking girl fidgeting quietly in front of him. Behind him, Rhodey was laughing loudly, struggling to draw in breath, while Loki muttered under his breath about the stupidity of mortals as he gently took hold of Butterfingers' metallic hands.

Dummy bounced from place to place, the pale skin of his fingers twitching, his dark hair a style that baffled Tony's mind because he looked so  _human_. Both him and You were naked, their skin supple and fragile, waiting for Butterfingers and JARVIS to join them. They also both looked oriental, Dummy less so, but the distinction was most definitely there.

Neither of them looked anything like him.

Tony wasn't sure  _what_ he'd been expecting.

Dummy bounced on the balls of his feet, fascinated by the play of skin around his toes where they wrinkled, then turned that fascination to You and his- no her-

her-

"Dummy!" Tony yelped, slapping his hands away from a confused You. "Bad Dummy! Bad touch! Don't you do that again, you hear me?!"

Dummy let loose a wounded sound, snatching his hand back and away from You's chest, and in a confused, melodic voice, whined, "But I  _want_ to."

Rhodey choked.

"No." Tony answered after a moment of shocked silence. "No touching your bro-  _sister_  in places you shouldn't. You, don't let him touch you like that, alright? You know this, look up sexual harassment or something."

"Sir," JARVIS sighed from above, long suffering and tolerant. "You is more concerned with your reaction to her gender identity and less with Dummy's idiocy."

"What?" Tony frowned, confusion and surprise colouring his face. "Why would I-? You? You, look at me," the short oriental girl looked up, bangs sliding away from her face. Tony felt a vague discomfort squirm in his chest at the sight, because  _wow_ was this weird. "I won't pretend this wasn't a surprise, but do you really think I'd care? You could be a five headed dragon for all I'd give a shit, you hear me? And if anyone says otherwise about the way you look, you come to me, you hear? I'll burn the whole world to the ground. That goes to all of you."

Dummy's dark eyes had gone hazy somewhere during the speech, but at the end of it, they cleared up in understanding, and the oldest AI turned to You and-

- _hugged her_.

Tony dropped his head into his hands, groaning, and ignored Rhodey laughing all over again. Because of it - because his sight was hidden in the comforting darkness of his hands - he missed Loki's approving look, but by the time he looked back up, it was gone.

In the end, with Stark Industries' stocks rising by a good percentage now that the world knew Tony Stark was indeed still alive; Dummy turned out to be some latino/oriental mix, because he said so, You was a hundred percent Japanese, Butterfingers was a simple African American, and JARVIS...

JARVIS was a smartly dressed Caucasian man maybe in his early thirties.

Tony just sighed, shook his head, and let it go.

Loki disappeared soon after. And by disappeared, Tony meant the disappeared from _existence_ sort of disappeared, where Amora and Doom started getting paranoid thinking he was plotting up something  _good_ that would inevitably screw them over just as much as it would screw over the Avengers.

Because yeah, Loki did that a lot.

Happy was the first to meet the newly reborn AIs, complaining about how he didn't want to get caught up in one of Tony and Rhodey's plans again like when they were all a good two decades younger and always ended up naked on a roof with a killer hangover, but he quickly shut up when he saw the four new people in the workshop. Then he just complained about security protocols and how they can't just let  _anybody_ waltz into the workshop - until Dummy picked up the fire extinguisher and bleeped angrily at him in a jealous rage that translated to, " _I_ came here first, you poophead."

Then Happy just stared, allowed himself to get re-introduced to everyone, and walked back out.

(And like the tattle tale he was, he went running straight to Pepper.)

Pepper found out before they could tell her, descending on them like a fire-breathing dragon searching out her stolen treasure, and ranted for an hour straight before she caught sight of Dummy and blushed the same shade as her hair. JARVIS took away her speech functions, Butterfingers had her fingers twitching in that way Tony knew meant she wanted to _touch_ , and You-

You made her deliriously happy and aghast in equal parts because she was dressed in some of Tony's old and greasy work clothes.

Tony debated on who to tell next. Rhodey suggested Clint, because Rhodey kind of hated Clint in that love/hate way epic bromance began with. Tony was a bit leery of telling Clint, because with Clint in the know came Natasha, and with Natasha in the know came Coulson, and with Coulson in the know came _Fury_. The last thing he needed was SHIELD knowing about his babies, especially considering the fact that they didn't have a clue just how much  _intelligence_ was in Artificial Intelligence _to begin with_.

In the end though, the whole thing proved to be a moot point anyway, because Thor loudly announced his confusion at the increased arc reactor signatures in the tower, because that was apparently a thing.

"Indeed, friend Tony!" Thor confirmed, smiling widely at everyone's confusion in the common living room. "Your metallic chest piece is a very friendly presence! And it has now quadrupled! With four little similar feelings! Indeed, it warms the very cockles of my heart that you have birthed four children, my friend!"

"Birth-  _Birthed?!_ " Tony spluttered, groaning at the alarmed look on Bruce and Steve's faces. "Oh god, just- just no-  _hell no_. I didn't give birth to anyone! Nobody gave birth to anyone! In this tower! That I know off! Do I make myself clear?!"

Thor looked confused - and  _depressed_ , as if Tony had just broken the news that his kids had died in a fiery blaze of fire and brimstones. "But, friend, I-"

"-No." Tony interrupted, quickly and sharply, using every bit of his superior business-man and richer-than-thou persona to silence the very god of thunder. "Absolutely not. That is not true and nowhere  _near_ the truth and I shall have you _all_ know that I have no plans of ever having children because I do not  _need_ children, thank you very much. Dummy's enough for a lifetime, for god's sake."

Rhodey swaggered in from the kitchen, utterly calm in the face of Tony's panic, and said, "Speaking of Dummy..."

Tony glared at his friend, and lowly hissed, "I will yank your tongue out and boil it in a pit of volcanic lava _right in front of you_ , so help me god-"

"-Whoa," Clint interrupted, wide eyed. "Sounding a bit like Loki there, Stark. What the hell?"

Rhodey just snorted, muttered something under his breath about _spending too much time together_ , but held both hands up peaceably at Tony's increasingly twitchy fingers.

Tony only ever got twitchy when he was on a caffeine high, or feeling murderous.

And just to make it clear, he wasn't on a caffeine high.

Clearing his throat loudly, Tony mentally took control of the situation again, gathering up every ounce of everything that made him Tony Fuckin' Stark to sail through this as smoothly as fuckin' possible.

"So you guys know about Dummy and JARVIS, right?" He began with, not really expecting an answer and bulldozing right through when Thor and Steve looked like they were going to do just that. "And You and Butterfingers as well, right? You know they're AI's, but more than that too, like they have their own personalities and thoughts and opinions. So I decided to give them a body and stuff. They have a body now. And stuff."

Steve looked confused, Bruce looked- Bruce looked like he was going to wait a little more before actually choosing an emotion. Clint looked _terrified_ , eyes darting around like he was expecting Dummy to pop up out of nowhere wielding a fire extinguisher. Natasha looked- Natasha looked like she was frowning, like she was running the numbers on just how many more counter plans she'd have to make in the off chance Tony went evil. Because now he'd have four able-bodied minions that could destroy the world with him.

Thor looked _ecstatic_.

"Truly?" He boomed, standing up from his seat in excitement. "Is my metallic friend Dum of the E possessing of two arms and feet? Is he capable of aiding me in my exploration of this New York?"

"Thor, buddy," Tony sighed, massaging his temples at the mere _idea_ of letting Dummy go outside. "It's been _years_ already. I'm pretty sure you know the whole state better than all of us."

"Holy shit," Clint breathed. "You didn't deny the two arms and feet. You gave them _two arms and feet_? How the hell did you even do that?"

"State secret." Tony replied instantly, not missing a beat as he delivered the answer with a grim face that told them all they'd _never_ know. Just as they never knew the full story about the arc reactor, or what had actually happened with Obiadah Stane. Rhodey shrugged when they turned to look at him, but that was to be expected, because Tony Stark inspired an unbreakable loyalty in those that stuck around him long enough.

"So..." Steve finally said, speaking up for the first time since they'd all come around for movie night. "D, You, Bee and JARVIS all have bodies now?" At Tony's nod and refusal to find the Captain's nicknames for the previously-incapable-of-speech AIs adorable, Steve gave everyone else a weird look and ruefully said, "I don't really see the problem here. I'm actually kind of happy. It's good news, isn't it?"

Tony breathed a sigh of relief, relaxing a little as Steve's approval led way to Bruce smiling quietly to himself and nodding, as well as Thor's happiness. Clint would come around once he remembered how un-skynet Tony's AIs were (he reasoned it was because Tony showered all four AIs with his ridiculous lovey emotions and thus they were all sappy and not murderously inclined to wipe out the human race.) Natasha would accept it - as she accepted everything - but would have the capability of becoming the enemy as soon as Tony or his bots did something irredeemable.

That was fine - Tony had even thanked her for that once, much to her shock and gratitude. Because being Black Widow wasn't just a part-time deal for her. She couldn't turn it off, no matter how much she wanted to, and Tony could understand that, because he was Iron Man was Tony Stark was Iron Man. That, and if he ever truly went dark side, which he knew for a fact he most definitely could, Tony wanted someone to take him down, and he knew Natasha could.

And that was how the team (and a few days later, Agent Phil Coulson and Director Nicholas Fury and absolutely no one else) found out about his babies.

#

Dummy wanted to be a superhero; no surprises there. _You_ wanted to be a superhero; holy _shit_. Butterfingers expressed the sincerest of hatred for violence, and instead busied himself with the mountains of paperwork just casually lying around, reading through them all and signing Tony's name where it was appropriate.

JARVIS, understandably enough, wished to carry on his normal duties, but now with the added benefit of shadowing Tony everywhere he went. Pepper delighted in the idea of JARVIS physically taking on the role of PA he'd been perfectly doing for years. Tony bitched about being a hell of a lot more busier than usual now - what with getting ferreted away from one business meeting to the other with no chance of flaking out - but secretly loved having his number one most favourite being of all time with him _all_ the time.

Plus, JARVIS knew all the social norms but surprisingly didn't give a shit when it came to Tony - soon, the media was going crazy with pictures of a strange, classy looking distinguished male fixing Tony's tie, smoothing his hair, and generally just being all up in his personal space. Tony had never been so casually touched like this since he could remember. He was kind of embarrassed about just how much he liked it.

The Avengers quickly got on with the program, Thor in particular being the greatest when it came to the AIs, helping them understand food and the television as well as everything else. He was patient, good at explaining things, and generally didn't seem bothered by the fact that they could even _eat_. Tony wasn’t sure _how_ the hell his babies could suddenly eat – he sure as hell hadn’t worked out some digestive system for them, because despite popular belief he wasn’t _God_ – but apparently they could. Eat, that is. Because magic.

Not that he told anyone about that, or about Loki, but yeah, _magic_.

Dummy and Clint became partners in crime, singlehandedly causing the majority of Tony’s ire and irritation at the world and life and _everything_. Natasha gravitated towards You, and before Tony could _stop that_ , she was giving You self-defence lessons and You was drinking it up with a flair and grace that made Tony both terrified and proud. Butterfingers cried when Rhodey’s holiday was up, and the both of them spent hours calming him down even as they pulled faces at each other over the bots head, demanding to know how the hell tears were a _thing_ when there were no lacrimal ducts _anywhere_.

Tony watched his babies experience new things, watched them grow and mature, become more like JARVIS now that they weren’t being kept locked up in the workshop with only him and the occasional other soul to socialise with. He watched them like a hawk, made sure none of the other Avengers or Pepper or even Happy were hurting them, and ignored the tight feeling in his chest when he saw them smile or laugh at something someone _else_ had said or did.

They were growing. They were evolving. They were unknowingly distancing themselves from Tony – just like Tony had planned. But it still hurt like hell to witness it.

Butterfingers quickly became enamoured with Bruce’s side of science, the two of them wasting away hours in their lab and growing closer and friendlier. You was still with Natasha, and with Natasha came Clint, and with Clint came Dummy, so seeing those four together was becoming more and more the status quo.

JARVIS stayed by Tony’s side, always, but every now and then Tony would spot him with Steve, the two of them standing side by side, tall and regal, bonding over responsibilities and maturity.

Tony wanted to freaking _cry_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want nothing of the sort.” Loki gritted out, still looking mildly horrified at everything Tony had just said. “I was fully aware that you were insane, Stark, but this level of insanity is- it’s-”
> 
> “Sexy?” Tony tried. “Awe inspiring? Heart moving?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys, _guys_ , dakhtar started writing this fic years ago and today we just realised it was written around the time when _what does the fox say_ was, like, _a thing_. i, hades, am _living_ \- dakhtar's in a corner hiding her face in shame.
> 
> this is _great._ /snickers

Tony wanted to freaking _scream_.

So he did.

Nobody could hear him anyway, locked up in his suit as he was, electronics fried and murdered. The suit was dead all around him, not even the gauntlets moving an inch, no matter how much he jerked and twitched. The electric surge carried on, setting the small hairs on his body alight, crackling with it, his heart stuttering and stopping and starting and stuttering all over again. It was like getting hit with Mjolnir, with Thor shouting, “For Asgard!” or some other shit like that, like Pepper digging in deep and accidentally touching the casing and setting off a cardiac arrest.

It felt goddamn _horrible_ , and Tony was just so goddamn glad nobody was around to witness it.

Besides Doom, that is.

“Doom shall not ask again,” the man- robot- _asshole_ \- was saying, his voice only barely heard over Tony’s own mind numbing pain. “The specs, Mr. Stark, and I shall return you to your comrades.”

“Shouldn’t–” Tony gasped, groaning when a last spurt of electricity made his chest tighten painfully before it finally – mercifully – stopped. “Shouldn’t that be ‘the specs, Mr. Stark, and _Doom_ shall return you to your’ blah blah blah, blappity blah _blah_. Huh?”

A frustrated sound, but Tony ignored it, using the moment to gasp in air and calm his racing heart. He could taste copper in his mouth – not surprising, it was to be expected after getting electrocuted so many times – and no matter how many times he blinked, the space around him was still completely dark.

Tony worried about his babies.

Of course he worried about his babies.

God, he was such a _mother hen_.

“You will not last much longer, Mr. Stark,” Doom said again, voice cajoling, like a salesman trying to sell a used car. “All I ask is for the specs. I could just as easily take the one in your chest and reverse engineer it. You know I could, Mr. Stark. Doom is _superior_.”

“Doom is a jackass,” Tony muttered, not really caring if Doom heard him or not. “And do whatever the hell you want, asshole, ‘cuz I ain’t giving you jacksquat.” Because he wasn’t the only one with a heart of blue glow-y metal now – his four AIs had similar arc reactors, except not as visible as Tony’s. Even without them Tony wouldn’t have given Doom anything even _resembling_ specs to his tech. Why Doom was even asking was beyond him.

“Oh, we shall see. After all, your comrades cannot find you, not here, in the heart of my kingdom. And even if they were to realise where I hold you, they could not act, for it would lead to much political unrest.”

Meaning he was stuck in Latveria, probably in the heartland of it in a castle surrounded by a moat of lava or something else equally as cheesy. Seriously, Tony was going to have _serious_ _words_ with Reed Richards, because Doom was _not_ his bad guy, Loki was! Killian was! Vanko and Red Skull and the occasional villain Natasha had pissed off a couple years ago, or stalker that had a thing for Clint maybe and was getting really creepy about it, or General Ross! _They_ were his villains, not freaking Doom and his stupid robots that frankly _sucked_.

Tony could destroy Doom. But nobody would let him. Because, “Tony, you can’t financially ruin him _and_ take over his entire country! No, you can’t do either too! Tony, it doesn’t matter if the process would all technically be legal, _you just can’t do it_!”

Sometimes, Tony really hated Cap.

Snorting under his breath, Tony shook his head to try and clear it, wondering idly if he had a concussion. Doom had nabbed him out of the air when he’d been on patrol, plucking him from the night sky ridiculously easily to the point Tony was embarrassed. It had been a bit _too_ easy though, such that Tony had a feeling another unholy alliance had been made between the bad guys. The sensation of his armour locking up with him still inside had felt disturbingly similar to whenever Magneto decided to throw him around a little for shits and giggles. If Tony hated Cap (which he didn’t, not really), then he absolutely _despised_ it when bad guys joined together to take him and his team down.

Holding back the urge to spit out the blood in his mouth (helmet, Tony, remember the helmet and _do not spit_ ), Tony tried moving his fingers. They didn’t budge. Desperately, he tried moving his _toes_. They didn’t budge either.

“You cannot move, Mr. Stark.” Doom’s voice crackled over him in a fake pleasant tone. “There is no escape for you.”

Something beeped, an ominous sound followed closely by the whine of electricity being- being-

the suit lit up

electricity coursed in

-Tony screamed.

He blacked out for a moment, came awake screaming again, and groaned when the electricity was finally turned off, slumping in on himself in his metal cage. Doom’s robotic laughter echoed in, actually registering in Tony’s shorted out mind, but he didn’t have the energy to even feel irritated by it.

Maybe this was it, he thought dimly, feeling his chest grow tighter than before. The rhythm of his heart faulted – missed a beat – then tried to return to normal, but Tony had already noticed it. The arc reactor was protected against EMP charges and normal electricity, just in case someone tried to pull that sort of shit on him, meaning Doom had to be using something a little bit different.

He heard the beep again, followed by that _familiar_ whine, and it was just as he realised it sounded exactly like his repulsor technology that the electricity hit. His vision went white, then black, and once the charge was turned off, Tony fell into a wracking cough that felt like his lungs were trying to escape. There were black spots in his vision, dancing around and warning him that his body couldn’t take more damage, and his chest felt- it felt like it was a live wire constantly getting touched by flecks of water. It _hurt_. Like a thousand cardiac arrests happening simultaneously all over his body. Tony groaned, gagging at the overwhelming taste of copper in his mouth, and braced himself for the next charge.

This time, when the suit lit up, electricity jump-starting the HUD into flashing on all around him, Tony heard his name crackling through the comms. The charge was too strong though, punching through his suit’s capabilities, dimming it all and shorting it out again, and the pain that followed eclipsed Tony’s understanding until it was swiftly shut off again. It felt like an eternity to him, but his biological clock was telling him Doom was being suspiciously careful not to electrocute Tony to death.

Still. That voice had sounded familiar. Tony _knew_ that voice.

That voice had been Clint’s.

Tony blinked heavy eyes as Doom demanded the specs again, exhaustion thrumming in his bones as the stress and worry got to him. Doom couldn’t just be searching for the arc reactor – he could’ve just taken the one in Tony’s chest if he really wanted it, he’d even said so himself. He could reverse engineer it and probably modify it with his magic too. Doom wasn’t stupid. Sure, Tony knew the arc reactor would blow up and take a good chunk of the Earth with it if Doom really _did_ try to tamper with it, but Doom didn’t. Doom thought he was _superior_ , he thought he could definitely understand the arc reactor, so what was he doing here? What was he _really_ looking for?

What did he _want_?

None of it made sense. This was almost petty, compared to Doom’s usual conquests. Doom was the type of villain that stayed hidden in plain sight for _years_ before coming up with a nefarious plan that could lead to world domination – or world _extinction_ , mostly. He was on par with Loki in terms of grandiosity, in terms of planning and the meticulousness he strived to reach. He was up there with Steve in terms of strategy, up there with Natasha in terms of ruthlessness. He was _Doom_ , and Doom shouldn’t have been hounding Tony for something so last year like the arc reactor.

Tony knew this. And that was why he was starting to worry.

Doom must have had something else planned. Was he stalling for something? Maybe the Avengers? But if Tony was really being held in Latveria – much less the heart of it – nobody would sanction the Avengers to do anything. Steve knew the political dangers that could come of it, and he would know Tony wouldn’t want him to cause such dangers just for him. The spies equally knew that, and were so aware of the red tape that they wouldn’t do it either. Bruce would follow the majority, as long as it was sound of mind and logic, plus he’d admitted that he would never think Tony dead until he identified his corpse personally  – and even then, only with a grain of salt. Thor–

The god of Thunder, Prince of Asgard, brother to Loki, Bag of Cats–

–would always follow the sound of thunder.

… Tony could hear thunder.

It was distant, the rumbles of it so very faint, but Tony had become intimately familiar with thunder and all that it brought. He grinned tiredly, fully aware that his teeth were probably red and creepy, but it barely mattered considering no one could see him, so he let his heavy eyelids slide shut. The thunder grew louder, louder, _louder_ , until it sounded like it was in the very heart of wherever the hell they were, vibrating the ground and thrumming up through his suit and into his very core.

Doom was silent for a moment, no doubt hearing – _feeling_ – the rumbles that could only herald the arrival of one alien god, but to Tony’s surprise, the crackle of his voice only said, “Good.”

A beep followed, then a whine, and Tony was only able to get out, “Wait- No- _Thor_ -!” before his world was swallowed by pain.

Tony _screamed_.

#

_Tony Stark met James (_ Rhodey _) first._

_Then (_ Happy _) Harold._

_Then Virginia. (_ Pepper _.)_

#

There were cold fingers on his heated skin, trailing softly down his cheek and leaving an icy fire in their wake. There was an irritated voice speaking, voice low and tempered, painting images of deadly anacondas and wolves lying in wait. The voice sounded familiar, striking a cord in him that dimly reminded him of someone else, of someone with red hair and a Russian name, striking a cord in him that made him struggle to fully wake up, to be _aware_ , because that voice – or any voice like it – was not a voice he should underestimate.

The voice- no, _Loki_ \- shushed him, blooming an image of Jarvis – the butler, not the AI – doing the exact same thing thousands of times over the decades. He really needed to go visit the man soon, didn’t he? Or maybe drag him kicking and screaming back to the states and introduce him to the team. Maybe even set him loose on the helicarrier and watch Fury come to the dawning realisation of just _where_ exactly Tony had gotten his contrary ways from.

That’d be fun. Hell, Jarvis could give _Loki_ a run for his money.

“Is that so?” The voice hummed, tilting upwards in cadence in the universal sign of disbelieving curiosity. “Be that as it may, you need to wake up, Stark. I refuse to pamper to your continued loafing on my sofa.”

... Sofa?

Loki had a sofa?

_Loki_ had a _sofa_?

Tony blinked his eyes wide open, _burning_ to confirm the answer to that for himself, and gaped down at the truly _solid_ sofa he was indeed lying on. It was in a shade of nauseating green, like puke when you were a herbivore and had nothing to puke _but_ green plants, and had faded out patterns that may have very well been plaid.

Tony shuddered, wanting nothing more than to get off the abomination and set it alight, but instead turned his focus to Loki.

“Uh... Hi.” He started smoothly, brain still running on instincts honed from years of being disgustingly famous/rich/CEO/genius billionaire playboy philanthropist/Tony Stark/Iron Man. “I thought you were Thor?”

Loki didn’t turn murderous at the mention of his brother like he so usually did, but instead waved a dismissive hand in the air in a way only real royalty and pseudo-royalty could do. Tony would _technically_ fall in the latter, except he _did_ bang a princess once and a king that other time, but he doubted anyone would count that as a perfectly legit reason to call himself royalty.

“I presume you mean the thunder. It was only to confuse Victor, and had nothing to do with that oaf.”

Tony nodded blankly, and waited for Loki to take the cue and explain why exactly he’d saved Tony from Doom. The explanation never came. Frowning slightly, brain flickering online and stuttering into motion, Tony stared a bit harder at the god of chaos, and noticed something that had his internal alarms going completely haywire. Loki looked _exhausted_. Not just I-haven’t-slept-in-a-while exhausted, but I’m-having-emotional,-mental,-and-physical-problems exhausted. Like he was ready to just drop and not get up again. Like if Thor burst into the room right now saying he would take Loki back to Asgard, Loki _wouldn’t do a thing_ to stop him.

Tony had only ever seen Loki look like that once, and that was after he’d been soundly beaten into the ground during the Chitauri invasion.

“Do not look at me like that, Stark,” Loki sneered tiredly, barely putting energy into his words – a front and nothing else. “I don’t have the patience to deal with whatever stupidity you are currently thinking off.”

Tony didn’t bite, instead going for the throat by saying, “Why did you save me from Doom?”

A wince. “I had thought your bluntness was a by-product of stress and failure of science-” Tony frowned here, then realised Loki was talking about that time he’d made New York into a snowy wonderland and Tony had unibeamed him in response, “-but perhaps it’s more your nature and less out of character as I had thought.”

“Yeeeeaah...” Tony drawled, expression unimpressed. “It totally is. Now seriously, answer my question. Why?"

It was painfully obvious that Loki didn’t want to answer, but for some reason Tony couldn’t fathom, he actually did. “Your... AIs,” he started, feeling out the term _AI_ on his tongue like he’d never said it before, which he probably hadn’t. “They are important to you, yes?”

Tony stared at him, dimly noticing that he was free from his Iron Man suit and sitting on a disgusting green sofa in a randomly empty warehouse. A clean, hospital-looking warehouse, but a warehouse none the less. “If they weren’t, I wouldn’t have given them sentient life.” He finally answered, cocking an eyebrow at the dark haired alien. “You know this, you were there with us for a good while back when they didn’t have skin. Speaking of which, you seriously need to tell me _how_ the hell you did that, they _eat_!”

The exhaustion disappeared for a moment, replaced with smug superiority, something a little more along the lines of Loki Silvertongue. But it didn’t last long, returning to the solemn seriousness Loki had asked his question with. “And you care for them.” It wasn’t a question, so Tony didn’t bother answering. “And they care for you.”

“Does this have anything to do with Doom?” He finally asked impatiently.

“Shut up, Stark,” Loki shot back, the ire lighting up in his viridian eyes and giving them some life again. “They are your children, yes?”

Whoa, Tony had a feeling that they were finally starting to get to the crux of the point here. Slowly, with as much thought to his answer as he could ever give, Tony said, “Yeah. They pretty much are.”

It wasn’t a lie: Tony Stark had been a father for a good three decades by now. Ever since he built Dummy in his bedroom in the dorm he shared with Rhodey back in MIT. Ever since he laboured over You and Butterfingers and taught them how to control their strength so they could pick up delicate glass as well as equipment weighing over a ton. Ever since JARVIS first spoke of his own free will without being prompted and Tony celebrated by disappearing of the face of the earth for a week and almost causing Pepper and Stane to have a heart attack.

Giving them bodies had just been his way of sending the kids to college. Letting them grow. Giving them the opportunity to take their life into their own hands and do with it what they would.

Holy shit. He’d been a father for _thirty years_.

“Then you cannot die. Not yet.”

Startled, Tony snapped out of his daze and stared at Loki, taking a moment to let the words sink in and register. When they did, his stare turned calculating, analysing the alien in front of him. “Does...” He hesitated, wondering if maybe this was a situation where it was better _not_ to know the answer. But hell, he was Tony Stark, he wanted to know _everything_. “Does this have anything to do with the legends that say you have kids?”

Loki never broke eye contact with him, staring straight at him without barely even blinking. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he said, “You and I are not so different, Stark. Yet the slights places where we _do_ differ are the greatest. And while I do not care for your pathetic attempts to make something of an impact on your mortal life, I do approve of your dedication to your children. You take care of them, as a parent should, and that is something I cannot begrudge you for.”

Warning bells were ringing in Tony’s head again, loud and shrill, telling him he was missing something huge here. But a tiny part of him felt like it might have a working theory, something that could be true, something that would ultimately add a whole other layer of issues that came with their resident Asgardians. Tony didn’t want to know if it was true, he didn’t _want_ it to be true, but his track record and simple mathematics were telling him he probably was. If only because the universe absolutely despised him and made everything really, _really_ , horrible.

“I hope you’re not saying what I think you’re saying.” He said, _demanded_ really, fingers twitching where they lay on his knees.

A broken facsimile of a grin flickered across the sorcerer’s face. “If you were not mortal and thus far too fragile, I would split your mind open and explore the vast wealth inside. Your intelligence is remarkable for a pitiful Midgardian.”

Tony swallowed thickly, banishing in that instant the whole topic of conversation, banishing along with it the images of his babies _entirely_ to keep himself safe from going insane.

His children would not end up like Loki’s, if what he was hinting at was the _truth_.

His children would not get shipped off to some dead realm and given ‘authority’ ( _Hel_ ), his children would not get bound and gagged simply because others were too afraid ( _Fenrir_ ), and his children would never get reduced to being nothing but a tool for world destruction ( _Jörmungandr_ ).

But he _could see_ how easy it would be for it to happen; he could _always_ see how easy it would be for it to happen. It was why he’d kept the three bots locked safely in his workshop back home, never running the risk of them getting spotted by anyone that shouldn’t. It was why JARVIS never spoke up when new people entered the premises unless Tony specifically introduced them to him and vice versa. It was why he hadn’t screamed from the top of his roof about the most amazing thing he’d done when he’d first created Dummy, then You and Butterfingers, and finally JARVIS, because people were _still_ claiming AIs wouldn’t even be a _possibility_ for at _least_ another five decades or so, and yet Tony had already done it _thirty years ago_.

The difference between him and Loki – the one major difference that eclipsed the thousands of uncanny similarities between them – was that Tony was paranoid and had always been paranoid, even before he’d been burned.

Loki, on the other hand, had needed to be burned first before he’d learned.

Tony wanted to forget it, wanted to forget everything since getting tugged out of the air by Doom, but the lump in his throat wouldn’t disappear until a stupid idea lodged itself into his head and he decided to run with it.

“You’re immortal, right?”

Loki, still staring, rolled his eyes at him and said, “I am _not_ going to steal you an apple, Stark.”

“What- No!” Tony spluttered, offended that Loki would think that a) he’d want one, and b) he’d ask _Loki_ for one. “But you’re immortal and less likely to go into battle all ready to go to Valhalla or some shit like Thor, meaning you’ll survive longer than him in theory, barring actual attempts on your life, plus you’re _immortal_.”

“And?” The god frowned, not following Tony’s admittedly fast speech or logic. “What are you blabbering about, Stark?”

Tony didn’t know if the guy’s kids were dead, or missing, or just really pissed off at him and didn’t want to actually see him anymore. Hell, he didn’t know if Loki’s kids were even _real_ and not something weird and only vaguely relevant like past pets. Fenrir could’ve been an Asgardian puppy for all he knew. Tony could swear right here and now that he wouldn’t be surprised if Loki had a pet lizard. Or _dragon_. Jörmungandr could’ve been a lizard with a reputation blown up to horrendous size by the dumb ass humans way back then.

Tony could be signing his death certificate with what he was about to say, because _wow_ , talk about rude, but to hell with it, because he was a father and you did really outrageous things for your kids.

“You took _days_ working on their skin, plus giving them the ability to cry and eat and vomit, even though nobody specifically asked for it. You _customised_ their skin and gave them advice on what not to do and didn’t let Butterfingers have blue hair. You chose Dummy first. You _chose_ Dummy first. _Willingly_. You were worried I’d be a prick about You wanting to be a pretty princess- oh don’t look like that I know everything. You got along with Rhodey and actually _listened_ to his proposal when he first came to you. You like them, my kids that is, and maybe even Rhodey though I’m not sure but that’s really creepy and I forbid you to like Rhodey goddammit, but you like my kids. You... like my kids.” Tony floundered, losing his train of thought for a moment as that truth sank in. “Holy shit, you _like my kids_. You actually like them. You’re _fond_ of them, even. _Fond_. Oh thank god,” he breathed, dimly taking in the alarmed look on Loki’s face, the horrified tint to it as realisation dawned on him. “That’ll make this tons easier, because I have a favour to ask.”

“No.” Loki said immediately, without pause or hesitation. “Absolutely not. Nope. I _refuse_.”

“You’re immortal and I’m not and they’re immortal.” Tony pushed on, marching to the tune of his own words and completely shoving Loki’s opinions aside. “So take care of them when I’m gone, yeah? Be their crazy ass uncle with the magic tricks and watch out for them. Because sometime soon the world’s going to find out about them and I think Asgard already has because apparently there’s some black dude up there that’s constantly watching us all the damn time and seriously, what the hell is up with that anyway, and when that happens – when my babies become public knowledge – the world’s going to descend on them and so are other realms and super villains and assholes like Doom. People are going to try and hurt them and I won’t be there to always protect them and–”

“Breathe, you insignificant worm–”

“–and you like them _anyway_. They can keep you company too!” Tony finished, greedily sucking in much needed air and letting the sudden dizziness fade before speaking again. “Come on, you know you want to.”

“I want nothing of the sort.” Loki gritted out, still looking mildly horrified at everything Tony had just said. “I was fully aware that you were insane, Stark, but this level of insanity is- it’s-”

“Sexy?” Tony tried. “Awe inspiring? Heart moving?”

“–unprecedented.” Loki finished blankly. “I will no longer sit here and oblige your foolish ideals, Stark. How your team puts up with you is beyond me. Speaking of which, it’s about time I returned you to them, so that I may at the very least no longer be in your presence.”

Tony scoffed, gearing up to point out that his team was compromised of a super spy from Russia, a circus boy, a dude with anger management issues, God, and Captain Spangles.

But Loki snapped his fingers and Tony’s vision went black.

#

_Tony Stark met Natasha first, followed by Bruce, then Steve, the mighty Thor, and finally Clint._

_Then he met the Avengers, altogether, with alien carcasses lying all around them. His team._

#

Two months after Doom had kidnapped him only for Loki to save him, and Tony had awoken in his bed with the alarms screaming and all the Avengers (plus his babies) tumbling in and staring at him wide (and teary) eyed, Tony waved Lady Sif and the Warriors Three into his home and tripped over Mjolnir, which had been discarded on the living room floor. _Again_.

He also received a message from the black dude with the all seeing eye- cough- _Heimdall_ , from Sif, who in an obvious impersonation of him delivered it with an ominously vague, “The honour is but his.”

Sif and the other three Asgardians obviously wanted to know what the message meant, and why Tony was getting it in the first place. Thor looked curious too, but in that distracted way of his that screamed he gave no shits either way, mostly because he was too busy soundly getting his ass handed to him on Mario Kart by Dummy.

Tony grimaced down at Mjolnir in front of him, confusion warring with more confusion, because his memory was absolutely shot to hell and it would take him another week entirely to even figure it out who the ‘ _he’_ Heimdall had been referring to was. And that was only because JARVIS soon started reporting that Loki had been popping into the tower every now and then to just chat with them.

“Will the others be informed of this also, sir?” JARVIS asked, and Tony should really start referring to him as Jarvis, with only one capital letter, except he knew for a fact that JARVIS didn’t want to be Jarvis. Out of the four AIs, JARVIS maintained his otherworldliness, everything about him screaming _alien_ to the point that you could never mistake him for anything but. He was comfortable as such, confident and safe in his identity, and Tony grew teary eyed with pride just thinking about it.

Thinking long and hard on it, Tony finally shook his head. “Naah, leave him be. He’s not screwing you guys over, is he?”

“On the contrary, sir, he’s being... incredibly helpful.” JARVIS admitted, the slight pause between his words a sign of hesitance. “Should I be wary of this, sir? He is acting much as he did when he applied our exterior skins.”

“Basically like a real boy, right?” Tony joked, checking one of the cameras JARVIS always kept online that tracked their visiting god of chaos. “You have my permission to make friends with him if you want, though always keep an eye out just in case he tries to stab you in the back. In that case, you have permission to burn him and his stupid horny helmet too. Just don’t let Dummy get too excited again like that last time in Singapore, jeez.”

JARVIS coughed, a little fake thing that failed to cover up the no doubt amusement showing on his angular face. He was sitting next to Tony on the bench, both of them on the roof, far too inside his personal space to the point where they were pressed up together from shoulder to feet. Tony probably had a hand in the lack of personal space too, what with the fact he was pushing up against him just as much as JARVIS was pushing back, but it was only because the AI had conditioned it in him, like Pavlov and his accursed dog. Add in the fact that the other three now attacked Tony with random sneak hugs and Thor and the Hulk equally demanded to be a part of all the touching, and yeah, Tony wasn’t surprised to read the headlines on magazines claiming he and JARVIS were romantically engaged, or something equally ridiculous. _Despite_ the fact that the media still didn’t even know JARVIS’ _name_.

So that’s how it went. Loki would pop in and out whenever he damn well pleased, pretended to still be a super villain despite all but being an honorary uncle to one of the Avenger’s kids, and slowly started to look less exhausted. Tony knew all that because he would check in every now and then on the security cams, maybe walk into the workshop whenever they were all there because he needed something (he really did, so suck it), and because he was an observant rich genius and actually had all the information. Loki would react by tensing whenever he was in the room, but after the nth time Tony walked in and back out with a wrench or something equally necessary, Loki relaxed and barely bothered acknowledging Tony’s presence anymore. Which, _rude_.

Natasha came the closest to finding out about him though, casually saying one day, right in the middle of a city-wide fight, “Have any of you noticed how... amiable Loki’s been lately? His worst stunt in the past month was cursing Clint to speak bird.”

“Caw caw,” Clint muttered angrily over the comms, arrows flying everywhere as Natasha elegantly twirled away from a malevolent tentacle and cut it with a knife.

“Friend Clint says ‘amiable my backside’!” Thor boomed, static following his voice as it always did on the comms. “And also, many words I fear I should not say, because I frankly do not understand them. What is this cloaca he speaks off?”

Tony choked, bursting out into startled laughter as Bruce’s distressed voice said, “Oh God, what did I wake up to?”

“There there, big green,” he assured, swooping down and gently picking up a dazed Bruce to drop him off next to a SHIELD van. “It’s just Thor failing spectacularly at translating Bird Brain again. Go rest off the transformation, we’ll take care of the tentacle monster.”

Bruce mumbled something sleepily, already being ushered into the van and the convenient bed inside, so Tony turned his focus back to the problem at hand.

The giant kraken in central Manhattan waved its many tentacles at him intimidatingly. It looked more like a regal lord than anything else, like the old croaks that sat at the top of the family table and ruled the clan with an iron fist, except with more than eight tentacles and a whole lot of indignant rage at everybody at large.

Tony had been unsuccessfully arguing with everyone that the thing was _sentient_ , because when they’d first arrived it had only batted at them like an annoying fly until it realised they weren’t leaving. It seemed to hate some of them more than others – for some reason it had a personal vendetta against Natasha, and looked positively offended every time Thor tried to ride one of its tentacles – but it didn’t really seem bothered by some of its missing limbs.

Maybe because they all instantly regenerated.

But that wasn’t the point. The point was that Natasha had started to catch on, had noticed something weird about Loki and would pursue it until she either neutralised the weird (Loki) or dominated it under the terrifying pointy ends of her heels.

“Aye,” Thor boomed again, seemingly remembering Natasha’s words while attempting to latch onto another tentacle. “Loki has indeed been more playful than harmful. He looks much healthy!”

He sounded pleased. More than that, he sounded _proud_ , which was a secret super power of Thor’s that made the recipient of such pride blush an embarrassingly splotchy red and stutter all over themselves. Tony should know, he’d been there. Oh god, the _pain_ it caused in his feelings area.

“Cut the chatter guys,” Steve- no, Captain America- ordered, spinning his shield at a disgustingly impossible angle and grabbing it when it bounced back. The kraken huffed bitchily, eyeing the piece of twitching tentacle that Steve had successfully cut off. “Iron Man, I think you were right about this thing being sentient. Thor, try talking to it- he- _her_ \- or whatever gender it even is.”

“Very well! I shall do this!” Tony watched in morbid fascination as Thor flew up to the kraken’s face and loudly boomed, “HAIL, O MIGHTY KRAKEN! I AM THOR! SON OF ODIN! PRINCE OF ASGARD AND A MIGHTY AVENGER! WHAT HAS YOU AGAINST THIS LAND?”

Clint made a sound suspiciously sounding like a chirp, to which nobody would ever find out the meaning off as Thor suddenly boomed, “FASCINATING, MY FRIEND. IT WOULD SEEM THERE HAS BEEN A MISUNDERSTANDING. THIS IS NOT, AS I AM MOST CERTAIN OFF, THE PLACE THAT WHICH YOU CALL ATLANTIS.”

Bruce’s voice suddenly popped into the seven-way comm link (because Coulson was most definitely lurking somewhere watching them with his creepy ass blank face) with, “Did he just say Atlantis?”

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” Tony frowned in reply, far too used to the sheer ridiculousness of being a superhero to even be fazed by an underwater myth city turning out to _not_ be a myth. “And how is Thor even getting a reply? That thing isn’t even speaking.”

“NAY,” Thor said then, bringing their attention back to him and the still tentacle-waving kraken. “I CANNOT SAY I KNOW OF WHERE THIS ATLANTIS IS, FRIEND! WE ARE CURRENTLY IN THE HATTAN OF MAN, ON THE YORK OF NEW, IN THE LAND OF AMERICA! I CAN, HOWEVER, DIRECT YOU TO SOME OTHER LANDS! NORWAY IS QUITE WONDERFUL THIS TIME OF YEAR!”

The noises that came out of Clint’s mouth were a wide variety of bird sounds, which consisted mostly of clucking and the occasional spot on imitation of a rooster. Tony resisted the urge to face palm, vaguely regretting ever letting Thor join him on that off-shore business meeting, because the alien didn’t know the meaning of ‘don’t move’ and had gotten lost in the streets of Oslo and somehow ended up joining a music video about something to do with _foxes_ , of all things.

In the end, the kraken was shown to the sea and given a goodbye that would make Titanic look cold-hearted, and it waddled away into the ocean with only a vague threatening tentacle wave at Natasha, who stared it back straight in the face and nodded once, sternly.

“We do what we always do with Loki,” Steve said afterwards, after officially being off duty and thus no longer barking orders left right and centre. “If he’s causing trouble, we make him stop. If he’s not, we don’t really bother with him. That’s it, right?”

Natasha shrugged, eyeing her fingernails critically. “I was just pointing it out. It’s... strange.”

Clint cooed, a disturbingly adorable sound that was just so wrong because apparently it meant, “I’m going to work my bow into his sternum and drag it down to his groin, revelling in the spilling of his guts and entrails, and drink his still warm blood.”

And Loki called _Tony_ insane.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still laughing over dakhtar's what does the fox say mistake. guys, we don't read this fic, we just select a chunk of it and post it. we really should at least give it a read through, but damn, if we had, dakhtar would've fought tooth and nails to edit that out.
> 
> also look, more babies!! \o/  
> \- hades

The day the media finally found out who the four new faces constantly seen in and around the tower were was the same day Happy proposed to Pepper.

Yeah, it was _chaos_.

The world found out that not only had Tony Stark created an Artificial Intelligence, but he’d created _four_ , and had gone as far to give them a body and model them to look uncannily _human_. The world found out that these four AIs had been living right under their noses for _thirty years_ , give or take a few, and would have carried on doing so if Happy hadn’t proposed to Pepper right before they _both_ got attacked by an Extremis user.

You (Yu? He really should start changing her name to something that would fit her more and not confuse the English language) had been with them, acting as the Pepper to Pepper’s Tony, wearing a dark cheongsam with a high collar and killer stilettos to boot. Tony had only been able to watch it later when the chaos had died down a little, had only been able to watch You (yup, definitely calling her Yu from now on, remind him to make JARVIS change her unit designation to such) channel the Black Widow and _destroy_ the opposition with skilful moves that made the man pass out before even _running_ the risk of exploding.

That would’ve been fine, in the media’s eye, because Yu looked oriental and the media loved stereotyping people, but the Extremis user had landed a punch, and Yu hadn’t even blinked. She’d just punched him right back. It had looked right out of a Terminator film, and that had made the media _lose its shit_.

And with the media came reporters. And with reporters came _digging_. And with things unearthed came the truth.

Tony sighed, regretting what his babies would have to go through, wishing that he could shield them from it all. Yu looked terrified at the images blazing on the screen, her two minute fight constantly looping, showing the elegant way in which she’d moved and fought to protect Pepper and Happy.

“I-I’m sorry,” she murmured quietly, head dropping down to stare at the floor. “I’m _sorry_.”

Tony grabbed her by the shoulders – not unkindly – and pulled her in to him, wrapping his arms around her shorter frame and squeezing reassuringly. “Don’t ever apologise for protecting your own. You know I don’t think that’s wrong.”

“But–”

“No buts,” Tony scolded, shutting her up quickly. “All four of you listen up close. I’ve said this time and time again, but if anybody, and I mean _anybody,_ ever tries anything on you that isn’t a hundred percent flowers and rainbows, you are to _annihilate_ them. Do you understand me?”

Dummy nodded eagerly, eyes alight in fury, petting Yu on the head like she was an adorable dog. Butterfingers had a hand fisting Tony’s suit jacket, swallowing nervously even as he nodded, and JARVIS just smiled serenely and pushed his way in, wrapping his own longer arms around Tony and Yu both.

“Do not worry, sir,” he said smoothly, batting Dummy’s hand aside so he could stroke Yu’s hair back into place. “We understand you clearly.”

Yu nodded finally, standing up on her tip toes to gently place a kiss on Tony’s cheek. She smiled when Tony’s face became red as an apple, and grinned when Dummy – always an attention seeker – pushed in himself to lay one on Tony’s other cheek. Butterfingers whined something about it not being fair, tugging and pulling until Tony sighed dramatically and kissed him on his forehead.

“And what about JARVIS?” Dummy frowned, eyeing his (technically) younger brother. “J, kiss Tony now.” It was an order, not a request.

“Absolutely not,” Tony responded immediately, voice high and alarmed. “I will not have a middle aged man kissing me plastered all over the world. Nope. I refuse.”

“But he’ll feel _lonely_ ,” Dummy replied, looking absolutely scandalised at Tony’s refusal. “You can’t do that. If you don’t do it then he’ll feel neglected and it’ll be _abuse_.”

JARVIS tightened his arms around Tony and Yu, effectively returning the attention to himself, and knowingly said, “You’ve been wiki hopping again, haven’t you Dummy.” Not a question, but a statement.

Dummy rolled his eyes, completely unrepentant, and beside him, Butterfingers suddenly started looking guilty.

“You should though,” Yu (see? So much better already, it fit her to a goddamn tee) said, looking up at Tony and JARVIS.

It took a moment for Tony to connect what she’d said with the previous subject, but by then it was too late. JARVIS hummed in acquiescence, smoothed the hair away from Tony’s forehead, and dropped a warm kiss there.

Tony blushed for three hours straight.

#

The Avengers, at some point throughout the following weeks, got interviewed. Or more like interrogated.

So did Pepper, and Happy, and Rhodey and Darcy and Jane and _SHIELD_ , of all people.

It was a huge thing where people didn’t take Tony for his words and instead went through everybody else, demanding to know about the four _robots_ and whispering accusations of Skynet, with protesters blocking Stark Towers with their glittery signs and catchy slogans demanding answers and foretelling an apocalypse. It was a huge thing that led to debates on TV about philosophy and what exactly it meant to be alive. It was a huge thing that led to JARVIS walking into the room where they all were sitting and declaring in his usual casual voice, “We are going to give an interview.”

Everybody went silent, even Natasha who’d been conversing with Pepper, and stared at JARVIS.

JARVIS looked completely unbothered, eyes instead on Tony and the other three bots huddling around him.

“Like,” Dummy said, “Us four? Or us five?”

“Us four.” JARVIS supplied, cocking a questioning eyebrow at Tony’s deepening frown.

On Tony’s other side, Rhodey gave a thoughtful sound and asked, “You certain ‘bout this J?”

JARVIS nodded, eyes still on Tony who continued to frown at him, and said, “I believe it would help our case.”

“Or it could destroy it,” Tony frowned. “Completely.”

“Sir, while your paranoia has been nothing but beneficial for us, I do believe this time, at this one occasion, it would be detrimental to be silent and make us seem more suspicious.” Came JARVIS’ smooth reply, taking the seat opposite them beside Thor.

Tony carried on frowning, a thousand and one horrible scenarios flittering through his head, all of which JARVIS had no doubt thought of on his own and had a thousand and one _good_ scenarios to counteract it. Meanwhile, Thor threw an arm over JARVIS’ shoulder, grinning widely and happily at having “one of my shield brother’s young!” beside him.

Tony was starting to suspect there was some Asgardian culture he was missing here that had to do with kids. Even Loki acted weirdly revenant about it all. It was _weird_.

“They should do it,” Rhodey said, rubbing a hand over Butterfinger’s head. “If they think it’s the right idea, then let ‘em.”

“Shut up, Rhodey,” Tony scowled. “You know just how horrible the media can be.”

Rolling his eyes, Rhodey countered with, “Exactly, and I know just how much better these kids will be at it than you. They can handle it. Hell, I’m sure even Dummy could.”

“Hey!” Dummy objected, head whipping towards Rhodey with an insulted look. “That’s not fair, I could _totally_ handle it!”

“Boys,” Pepper sighed, grabbing all their attention and making Yu hide her smile in Tony’s shoulder. “Behave. Now, JARVIS, you sure about it? I can set up an interview with someone I know who isn’t too bad, and we can control what sort of questions they ask too.”

JARVIS nodded, forced by the weight of Thor’s arm to relax slightly, and not sit up stiffly like he always did with perfect posture. Seriously, Tony needed to get the original Jarvis to come and visit some time, the old man would love all this chaos.

Speaking of chaos, maybe Loki should be here for this too. Ah well, no way of bringing him in without letting the others know and panic. Especially Clint. Clint still had a burning desire to lodge an arrow in both of Loki’s eyeballs. Tony couldn’t really blame him.

“That would be most kind, Ms. Potts,” JARVIS answered Pepper politely. “As long as this is acceptable to sir.”

Pepper turned a hard look on Tony, judging him for holding them back, while Rhodey complained about JARVIS not asking for _his_ permission, and what, wasn’t he loved anymore? The rest of the Avengers carried on watching, half amused and half concerned about the topic at hand, but on seeing Tony’s continued hesitancy to say _yes_ , Steve offered, “I could go with them, if you want?”

Steve could barely handle the media on his own, so no, that’d be horrible. But the media _did_ love him and believed every word he said like he was the second coming of Jesus, so him publicly siding along with the AIs _while they were there_ would go a long way to make people see them in a good light. An interesting conundrum. The risks were ridiculously high, but so were the gains.

“Compromise!” Tony finally settled on, raising both a hand and his voice. “Steve goes with them, sits with them, nods along and acts pretty to JARVIS’ sweet talking and Yu looking adorable. But I’ll be in the backstage just in case it gets ugly.”

“Absolutely not.” Pepper immediately responded. “If it gets ugly you’d only make it worse.”

True, but Tony could also make it better. People loved it when Tony did out of character things, and him professing his love on national television and calling the bots his _kids_? They’d eat that up like they were starving, and suddenly the AIs would be seen as someone’s _kids_ , as _alive_. Even the most cold hearted of people (like General Ross, for one) wouldn’t be able to swing murder against children. The only problem with all this would be the fact that his _children_ looked like grown adults, with maybe Yu looking the youngest because of stereotyping again.

Still, Tony could totally swing it. He was a born _actor_ thank you very much.

“On the contrary,” JARVIS began, head cocking to the side like a curious bird. “Sir being there would provide emotional support, and if it _were_ to turn less than benevolent, his presence would be highly needed. But I agree that Captain Rogers should indeed come with us.”

Steve smiled bashfully, always happy to be of use, and reluctantly Pepper allowed them with a nod and a knowingly foreboding look with Natasha.

Bruce frowned a little in thought, then surprised them all by saying, “So what are Dummy and Butterfingers going to call themselves?”

“What do you _mean_ what are Dummy and Butterfingers going to call themselves?” Tony responded quickly, tone protective and dangerous.

“I mean,” Bruce said, voice calm and passive. “That the name Dummy isn’t particularly endearing but abusive, and Butterfingers is a bit better but not by much. JARVIS and Yu are fine, but Dummy and Butterfingers should adopt a different name for the public.”

“Hey, _I_ named Butterfingers,” Rhodey said, looking offended. Butterfingers leaned into him comfortingly, mollifying Rhodey’s indignant expression a little. “But... I see what you mean.”

“I don’t want another name,” Dummy said petulantly, folding his arms across his chest with a dark glower. “I like Dummy. It’s my unit designation.”

“We’re not changing your unit designation,” Tony quickly confirmed, equally completely against the idea. “But that look on everyone’s face means you _are_ getting a fake name. For the media.” He sighed, dropping his head on top of Yu’s, and forlornly said, “Why did I ever think introducing you all again would be a good idea?”

JARVIS’ lips quirked slightly, the little one that Tony was starting to understand meant fondness, like when he ordered food to be delivered without even bothering to ask Tony and always got exactly what he was craving for anyway. “No worries, sir. Dummy and Butterfingers can easily figure out their aliases.”

And by that, JARVIS meant Dummy and Butterfingers had _already_ decided on a name, right then and there, and sought approval and validation from JARVIS’ and Yu on their shared network.

Uncreatively, Dummy decided to call himself Anthony Jr. Stark, which made Natasha murmur something about an apple and a tree Tony totally caught but decided to ignore. Butterfingers called himself Benedict Stark, because he wanted to be able to shorten it to Ben and Yu had been adamant about it not being the more usually used Benjamin. JARVIS said he’d simply go as JARVIS, and let the media make the connection between him and Edwin Jarvis, and Yu was already well known as Yu anyway, but she was inflexible about having any other surname besides Stark, and Tony could already feel the headache pulse behind his eyes.

 _God_ , the media was going to go _crazy_.

Pepper stood up with grace and poise, JARVIS following her up and liberating himself from Thor, and they both bid them all goodbye to go make the arrangements. Yu climbed out of Tony’s lap to rush after them, saying something about it being her job because she was Pepper’s _assistant_ , and disappeared after them. Dummy flopped in on her empty spot, his more built, compact body making Tony huff and wheeze, and childishly muttered, “Not fair. _I_ want to be an assistant.”

Rhodey grinned and ruffled Dummy’s dark hair.

#

 _“And so what are you all called, then? What are your names?”_ The host Pepper had chosen was asking.

JARVIS looked prim and proper, dressed in a dapper three piece suit of a dark maroon, an iron man pocket square neatly tucked in his breast pocket. Beside him, Yu was in an equally dapper three piece but without the jacket, her sleeves rolled up to her elbow, revealing pale forearms accessorised with bangles. Dummy and Butterfingers had refused to wear suits, Dummy choosing instead to wear a dark cream Henley and jeans, while Butterfingers wore something similar but with a brown leather jacket thrown on top. They didn’t look all too shabby, Tony had to admit as he watched them from backstage. They looked completely and utterly different from each other (with Yu and Dummy _maybe_ being a bit similar in ethnicity – again, stereotyping), but the way they all sat next to each other, completely relaxed and comfortable, made it pretty damn obvious that they were family.

Tony had never thought about what his AIs would look like as humans before, but he was pretty sure he wouldn’t have thought _this_. He _was_ sure however that even if he did have preconceived notions of their looks, that they would’ve completely destroyed them _anyway_. At least Butterfingers didn’t get his rainbow coloured hair.

 _“I’m Yu,”_ Yu answered first, probably because the world found about them _because_ of her and she was still feeling guilty. “ _Yu Stark. And these are my brothers, Anthony Jr. Stark,”_ she patted Dummy’s knee, causing Dummy to flash a smile at the host, who instantly flushed under his model boy looks. Huh, interesting. “ _Benedict Stark,_ ” Butterfingers gave a little wave at the crowd, to which the crowd replied by _aawing_ , what the fuck. _“And JARVIS.”_

Tony heard the capital letters, but he was sure as hell nobody else did.

“ _Just Jarvis?”_ The host pressed, tucking a lock of blonde hair behind an ear with a coy, questioning, smile.

JARVIS gave that small smile of his, the one he must have learnt from Pepper, because it was blank and professional and enough to make the host flush again. _“Just JARVIS. JARVIS Stark would sound strange, don’t you think?”_

The crowd teetered, even as the host’s eyebrows rose a little, because JARVIS was being a little prick and obviously baiting them to think he was indeed something _more_ to Tony than just an AI. Add in the pictures that had been circulating the press for the past few months of JARVIS following Tony around and getting all up in his personal space, and yeah, Tony couldn’t quite blame them.

_“And when did you meet them, Captain?”_

Steve cleared his throat, fidgeting slightly in his seat, wearing a simple monkey suit he must have gotten from SHIELD or something. “ _I met them almost immediately after the Chitauri invasion, when we were all at Stark Tower. Tony introduced us to JARVIS first, and then afterwards, when we were around and living together and really becoming a team, he introduced us to Yu, D- Anthony and Benedict.”_

Tony pinched the bridge of his nose at the almost slip of Dummy’s name, but watched with a hopeful sort of trepidation as the crowd began positively responding to it all. They were _eating it up_ , laughing as Steve recounted his first meeting with Dummy, explaining how Dummy had thrown a wrench at him as soon as he’d stepped into the workshop, but carefully omitting details like the fact that Dummy had been a one armed robot only capable of beeping angrily at the perceived intrusion of his master's workspace.

Butterfingers charmed everyone with being his adorable passive self, easily sliding into the good-boy persona Steve carried around like his shield. It probably helped that they were both built like walls and got easily flustered. Dummy outright charmed everyone and the crowd, deploying roguish grins that had the host commenting she could _see_ where the _Jr_ part came from, which was just weird, because wow did Tony never realise Dummy might have gotten some of his bratty nature from Tony himself, Jesus. Yu had already charmed the world with her amazingness and outstanding fashion sense, but the size contrast between her and the four men surrounding her made her look petite and adorable, which only went further to endear her to the crowd.

JARVIS... JARVIS was a bit more difficult to guess. The crowd didn’t see him as cute, or adorable, or easy to relate to like they did with Dummy, Yu and Butterfingers. They didn’t see Steve and his wonderboy routine in him, which was something they could get behind because it made them feel good. JARVIS was prim and proper and keen eyed, he was what made Tony filthy rich and ruler of the world, and that made him _dangerous_. It was a good thing that they didn’t know JARVIS had control of every single one of Tony’s suits, that JARVIS was the shadow king controlling SHIELD’s equipment and that even _they_ didn’t know about it, that the darkly dressed man in front of them with the mop of pale hair on top of his head perfectly coiffed and fluffed was everything humanity had ever feared and made movies about, the likes of which Skynet and HAL could never compare too.

Plus he looked the same age as _Tony_. Jeez. Why couldn’t JARVIS choose something a little bit more closer to Steve’s physical appearance instead?

But slowly, like a miracle, Tony could see them all falling for JARVIS, falling for the mysterious air about him that they didn’t know was him being _inhuman_. JARVIS spoke nothing but praise for Tony and Pepper, and when the host asked he ‘admitted’ that Rhodey was something of a second father (oh god Rhodey was going to _cry_ , Tony wanted to see him _crying_ , god yes), to which Butterfingers interrupted enthusiastically talking about how Rhodey was an awesome pilot and he promised he’d take Butterfingers out for flying lessons sometime.

It was ridiculous, watching the world (or at least the world in this room) fall for his babies, but Tony had already seen it happen. He’d seen Happy fall for them years ago when he’d stumbled into the workshop for the first time ever back in Malibu, he’d seen Pepper do the same a few years later when she screeched in terror at JARVIS’ voice welcoming her to the tower, he’d seen the _Avengers_ do the same, even Loki. Hell, he’d _witnessed_ Loki’s fall for his babies in slow motion even, and if that wasn’t a sign that Tony needed to chill out, then Tony didn’t know what was.

The interview didn't last that much longer, all four of the AI's taking turns to speak, Butterfingers the exception with how he shied away from it whenever the host asked him a question. Every now and then, Steve would join in, steering the conversation away from what could potentially be land mines with an ease that belied his innocent nature. But the inevitable question came, the one Pepper couldn't get the host to back down from, and Tony held his breath as she placed her cards on the table and waited for the AI's to reply.

_“So, and forgive me for asking if this is rude, all four of you are... Artificial Intelligences, right? That means that you’re AI's, that you were made by Tony Stark, to, I don't know, do his bidding?”_

Gritting his teeth at her choice of words, Tony forcibly relaxed his jaw and nervously bit at a fingernail. JARVIS raised a hand ever so slightly to stop Dummy from rising to the bait, but none of them seemed particularly pleased by her words either. Yu looked like she was fantasising about punching the woman in the face, but she kept still and let JARVIS take the lead.

 _“You are correct in the fact that we are AI's created by Tony Stark, and thus not technically human.”_ He began, smooth voice confident and sure as he spoke. _“However, I must disagree with the notion that sir created us to do his bidding. We are not slaves, and never has he treated us as such.”_

_“Then, and I really am sorry about how rude this will sound, but, what are you then? Why did he create you? And you call him sir?”_

_“It is my own choice to refer to him as such, and not one my siblings adhere too,”_ JARVIS said, which was sort of true, considering Dummy had singlehandedly led a revolt featuring him, Yu, and Butterfingers against calling him as such. _“But I believe sir created us because he simply could. I believe he did it because he_ wanted _to, because he wanted to see what would happen, because to him, discovery is creating something and letting it evolve to see how it grew. I know for a fact that he created Anthony Jr when he was sixteen and at MIT with Colonel Rhodes, that he created Yu and Benedict soon after so Anthony would not be alone, and after that began working on me. In fact, sir does not call us his creations, he hates that word, and simply call us_ his _.”_

The host seemed... _surprised_ , by that, and slightly suspicious. _“So what_ do _you guys call him then?”_ She asked Dummy, Yu, and Butterfingers, seemingly letting the answer to her previous question go.

Dummy was the one who answered, glaring the host down and just _daring_ her to refute him as he said, _“Dad. We call him Dad.”_

She didn't refute him.

Nobody did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cow goes moo, dakhtar goes >///<, hades goes \o/!! and tony blushes too.

**Author's Note:**

> Tony Stark Defence Squad [dakhtar](https://a-dakhtar.tumblr.com/) & [operationhades](https://multistarks.tumblr.com/) reporting for duty!


End file.
